Baggy Bits

I want to talk about a Cougars body. If you are a cub and get seduced by a Cougar, (lucky you!) there are a few things you need to know before bumping uglies, especially if this is your first experience with a woman considerably older than yourself.

The first thing is – obviously, they have lived longer than you. This is bound to show on their bodies, whether it be through wrinkles and slightly less pert breasts (or as Twink calls mine, tennis balls in socks) thanks to time, exercise, yo-yo dieting or children, which can also have an impact on belly, stretch marks and lets be frank, vagina.

I haven’t had any children, but the passing of the years has naturally had an effect on my body. When I turned 30 I started exercising, realising that I couldn’t get away with putting anything I wanted to into my mouth. But unlike some women, I realised that in order to remain tight down there – I would also have to start pelvic floor exercises, and not just so I wouldn’t end up as someone on a Depends ad.

I also want to talk about Brazilians.

Anything beyond a bikini line wax is probably a relatively new concept to some Cougars, and many probably make a concession to the hairless trend by doing what I do, and getting what I call ‘a Brazilian with bush.’

However there is something that Cougars should have that younger women don’t – confidence or (at the very least) acceptance of their body. I have had a long time to get used to what God and time has given me. I can fight the ravages as best I can and admit that I could do more – but have gotten to a point in my life that if someone doesn’t like my body, they can just piss right off.

Many cubs find that my not being shy about my body is a huge turn on, since they are used to younger women only wanting to have sex with the lights off and hiding their naked body as much as possible after they have taken off the clothes they wear that leave little to the imagination.

I guess what I am saying is be prepared so that if the Cougar who snags you hasn’t had a boob op, Brazilian or done her exercises, you don’t scream and run for the hills. My suggestion is if you think you might not want to sleep with her if there is a chance she will unroll her boobs out of a push up bra, get a bit of a feel (bar toilets anyone?) before you commit to leaving with her.

And remember, one day, you will be old. I know you don’t believe it now, but you will. So be sensitive.

PS: After seeing me looking fantastic in a nightclub a couple of weeks ago with a hot young lad hanging off my neck, Mr Bored Housewives saw me and texted to invite me to a movie. I agreed to go, we chose a time and then he didn’t turn up. I texted him saying not to bother contacting me ever again.